Hi girls,
I'm single in NJ, no kids.
I'm just gonna warn you ahead of time, this is going to be very long, graphic and very random cause I'm just letting it all out. So, this is my story...
I'm mad at myself for getting upset over it, cause that's not gonna change the past, and not gonna change the way he feels about taking girls' virginities... I was number 34...
I went on vacation with my friend from college, her husband, and her husband's best friend (the guy who did it). He took my car keys, and the bathroom door in the hotel room didn't lock, so I had to be interrupted in the shower by him with a video camera being pointed at me.
Anyway, he raped me I lost count how many times over 4 days - and during the day, he just treated me like noone should be treated verbally and sexually - I felt like a verbally and sexually abused Edith Bunker, LOL... Couldn't walk for the next nine days without nearly crying. Of course I'm some tiny innocent white girl, while he's some big strong guy, so I said no –trust me, he knew it was not consensual, but then I thought I'd be safer letting him do it... I never said anything to my friends about it, or yelled at him while he was doing it, because I didn't want anyone to see me naked - I was just thinking about the intense pain I was in - of course he was so proud "he'd never seen it get that big before." The only reason I gave him a blowjob was because I was thinking, "Well I'm not in pain while I'm doing it, so it's the lesser of the two evils."
I considered stealing his car and going to the police about it when he finally fell asleep hours later, but then decided against it. In the morning, I'd pretend to be asleep while he'd take my hand and put it in his pants and masturbate with it.
Of course I was scared I was gonna get pregnant - and then I'm a Catholic, so I was afraid of not going to heaven if I got pregnant and had an abortion - then my mom would FREAK OUT for me having unprotected sex, and I'd ruin the relationship with her cause I wouldn't have been able to tell her the situation. I never told her - she just thinks I've got some weird fear of being naked.
Then he goes and calls me all the time - being all lovey-dovey having no clue why I wouldn't answer his calls - I was a state away and I knew he'd be too lazy to come after me, though.
I shocked myself at how much anger and bad feelings I had for him when I wrote him a 30 page handwritten letter as a form of therapy. I never did go to a counselor. I know a lot of you get professional help, which is good if that's what works for you, but what helps me is talking about it with other high school and college age people who are survivors. I feel much better talking with strangers about it rather than with people I know. I know I shouldn't be embarrassed, but I am, and I don't know how supportive or not or comfortable or not my friends would be if I came to them with something like this, family knowing is out of the question, and with this group, we're all here for a reason...
On a lighter note, I would feel AWESOME if I could get a girl to pretend to seduce him, tie him up, and write on his forehead "I'M A RAPIST" in tattoo - screw throwing the guy in jail, I'd be protecting other girls not to have a relationship with him and people would treat him differently - it would ruin the way anyone thinks about him.
I can't ever pass the Home Depot without thinking about him... That's where he worked night shift.
He was 30, and his previous girlfriend was 15 - here's the worse part - she treated him like hand and foot and oohed and aahed over him and did all these sexual favors and had a kid with another person - but he was obsessed with her daughter, setting up a college fund for her, giving her a room in his house, naming her, calling himself Daddy, and it just really got on my nerves because she ruined him for future relationships - she let him think that that's what girls do for their boyfriends - spoil them and shower them, and expect nothing in return. It angers me so much that she moved out of her mother's house at 15, dropped out of high school, worked at Wendy's and she supported the both of them on her paycheck cause she thought that's what love was all about... And he didn't work - he let her pay for every thing. That's why I think he thinks what he did to me and the way he treated me was so normal - he was just so used to it coming without complaint. He expected everyone to treat him like that, it seemed.
Sorry for being so politically incorrect or mean sounding or if I offended any of you, it's not my intentions, I'm just letting off steam. I am here to talk to, listen, support and encourage all of you on this list, and I'm here for hopefully receiving the same as well.
Not to mention that I just found out after I graduated from high school, that my uncle had drugged and molested me, my sister, and female cousins for many years - he videoed it and put it on the internet. Lucky for him he's a computer whiz, so he knows how to get rid of evidence, and also he made the point that it was my sister who testified to police, and she had brain damage from a car accident where she spent 8 months in various states of coma and she almost died, so her story wasn't credible as good enough evidence, so they let him go on lack of evidence, but she had told friends about waking up without her pants on and him giving her $20 to take a shower and having it them be their secret before the accident happened. He also had hidden cameras in my bathroom and bedroom for about 14 years to post on the voyeur site, so needless to say I have issues with being naked around people now, and I get uncomfortable quickly in dating situations.
I had to sleep at my grandfather's house awhile back, where my uncle used to live - that's where the cameras and the drugging and molesting happened. I was fine when I was there with my grandfather, but once we went to bed, it all just came flooding back - I wasn't really upset or angry or anything, but I was totally thinking about it all night in hindsight - now things made sense - like "this is where the camera was (hidden in the form of an electric razor), watching me take a shower" (I smelled like cigarettes from other people and my hair needed to be washed, but I couldn't bring myself to take a shower in there) - "I wonder if he still has the camera in the room where I'm sleeping (I couldn't change into pajamas - slept in my jogging suit)" - that kind of stuff - "This is where the New Years Eve, we played cards, my sister was drugged and taken down to the basement (we were playing cards, and the loser had to drink a concoction that the winner had made - well my uncle "came in a cup," unbeknownst to us what it was.)" In some weird way, I'm grateful that he had the decency to drug me, so I don't have any memories of it happening - but it still has affected me royally on an intimacy and trust level with males...
Oh! Going through some books in his bookshelf, we just discovered 15 gigs of kiddie porn of his IN THE FAMILY BIBLE!!!!!!!!! I know everyone's not religious, but you have to agree, that's just downright twisted!!!!!!!! I started looking through it out of curiosity and it got to be too much when I saw my sister peeing on him as a 4 year old or so, so I stopped looking in fear of finding myself, cause that would just be disturbing and would screw me up in the head. It was weird and surprising seeing young kids looking like they're enjoying having sexual play with each other (they looked like they had like orgasmic expressions on their faces, it was really weird), kids peeing and being peed on, like 6-14 year old girls in poses and expressions that you'd see on regular porn - what kind of drug makes a kid pose like Playboy without realizing something's wrong?!?!?
I've been molested, raped, drugged, and assaulted by 14 people in my life, of various degrees, from being date raped in a Catholic church (not priest related) and not knowing where I was or having a car to get away to a male co-worker escorting me out to the parking lot being a gentleman, and him ending up attacking me in a parking lot (I was tempted to hit him with my car, but realized he wasn't worth the time in jail LOL) to the stupid stuff I got over quickly like the cart pusher at Wal Mart who didn't speak English and had really bad body odor and breath cornering me and pulling my shirt up and grabbing my boobs, and then for some reason he laughed, kissed me on the cheek and thanked me and left. Let's see - 5 co-workers, 3 celebrities (I work in TV and am SO tempted to name names), 2 strangers, a bad ex, a horny friend who was going through a divorce, a former Detroit Lion/Cleveland Indian who complained about me being a bad kisser cause I wasn't passionate and sexy - hello, his wife was upstairs and his daughter was napping in the next room, his parting words were "what did you learn today?,"... my uncle, and the 14th person I've weirdly blocked out. Oh yeah - and a partridge in a pear tree, haha! I've heard of the mind blocking things, but why can't I block out what happened instead of who did it to me and where it happened? Then with Tony I remember every detail, but for the life of me, I can't remember where it happened.
So I'm seeing this guy named Ed, who is also the name of my uncle, so I'm having a lot of flashbacks recently and he's TOTALLY unsupportive - he's like "well you know I'm a really horny guy, so it's gonna be really hard for me not to try anything bad or dirty, and I don't know if I can deal with it, but I'll try" - and he keeps trying to get me to do everything but sex with him, as a compromise, like watching porn, and watching him get off, giving him a hand job, sleeping with him in a non-dirty way, and I'm not ready to, after two dates, and it's driving him crazy... Also, I'm going to have to see him (my uncle) this Christmas dinner for the first time since I found out), and am nervous.
And, yes, I know I'm not alone, and none of it “was my fault.”
I just realized how long I've rambled on - I thank you if you've read this far.
Replies would be appreciated - thanks for listening, and I'm here for ya'll if you need someone to listen!
Scout
